It came to my attention a while back that quite a few people are interested in the ongoing developments regarding the arrival of aliens from Planet Gootan. In order to learn more about the looming intergalactic crisis, thousands of Earth citizens have wisely chosen Peninsularity Ensues as their primary source of Gootan-related information.
After conducting five minutes of my own research into this inexplicable, though not unwelcome turn of events, I recently learned that Peninsularity Ensues is now ranked first (!!!) among Google’s 24,000 search results for “Gootan”.
I learned about the Gootan situation less than a year ago whilst reading the Korea Times (the newspaper that somehow reprinted a story from The Onion, informing its dozens of loyal readers that Kim Jong-un had been voted sexiest man alive). The KT in all its journalistic glory also broke the news of the coming Gootan invasion, complete with a still photo from the movie ‘District 9‘, reprinted from the Weekly World News (also not a source of real news).
Given that I am now (as deemed by Google) the world’s foremost authority on all things Gootan (which sounds logical enough), it is my responsibility to alert the concerned masses still enquiring into the arrival last year (which didn’t happen) of the massive spaceships from Planet Gootan (which don’t exist), by providing the latest information on the Gootan situation as it stands. Of course, it goes without saying that we at PE intend no offence toward all you nutjobs and weirdos who have given this happy little website so much traffic. Keep it coming, you loveable knuckleheads!
Here, for the first time, in the interest of easing the disturbed minds of billions of people whose attention spans apparently no longer exceed 140 characters (not you dear reader, obviously), we have some new information of vital importance.
Please share this information with everyone you know, as the fate of the world depends on… well, pretty much everything other than this.
1. Planets outside our solar system have names like Gliese 518c, PSR B1620-26 b, or HD 209458 b (they kinda have to be named like this because there’s billions of them)… NOT ‘Planet Gootan’. That’s just fucking ridiculous.
2. The Weekly World News, the “newspaper” that originally broke the Planet Gootan story and incorrectly predicted the arrival of the aliens in their massive spaceships late last year, is not a newspaper! One story from late last year announced that Facebook will be shutting down this May. Recently it announced that Oprah Winfrey has adopted Lindsey Lohan. For future reference, please think of the WWN as being like The Onion, with less wit. Whilst many may remain confused about the validity of such websites, given that supposedly legitimate newspapers, such as the Korea Times are not immune to reprinting stories from The Onion and WWN as genuine news articles (for reasons that have never been adequately explained)… please just exercise your best judgement… or phone a friend.
3. To the 27,000 (!?) people who took the time and effort to comment on the Weekly World News’ Facebook “story”, as well as the thousands of commentors concerned with the impending Gootan situation… you guys need to go out and get jobs… and your access to electricity revoked.
4. To the forum poster citing the ‘UN Panel for Extraterrestrials’ (?) who helpfully provided a physical description of one of the landed spacecraft… “The Gootan spaceship is cylindrical on either side and has a shape in the middle.” – you are a satirical fucking genious (I sincerely hope)…
5. Yahoo Answers?? Actually, that sounds about right. This is the kind of intellectual strength we need in times of crisis such as these.
Fear not dear readers. Clearly we are still at present only scratching the surface regarding the Gootan issue and the immense implications this will have on the fate of humankind. The dedicated staff of one at Peninsularity Ensues’ global headquarters will provide updates as they come to hand.
Go Planet Gootan!