Tony Abbot’s Health Scare: PM’s Chronic Irony Deficiency Affects Entire Nation

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott was forced to postpone official engagements again this week to seek treatment for a chronic medical condition that has plagued him increasingly during the course of his political career.

The Prime Minister had been due to arrive in Moscow for the annual ‘Shirtless Tough Guy World Leader Summit’ hosted by Vladimir Putin. Addressing international media, the Russian strong man stated, “Tony is neither world leader nor tough guy, but it’s nice to have him about”, acknowledging that a successful summit traditionally has more than one participant.

Whilst not known to be fatal (the ailment is understood to be prevalent among politicians and their shadowy overlords) Mr Abbott’s irony deficiency is a topic of ongoing debate back in Australia, where really weird and often disturbing shit happens on an almost daily basis.

Minor concern however over whether Abbott’s illness may impact on his ability to perform his duties as Australian Prime Minister did not dissuade millions of voters from recently installing him as the nation’s newly incumbent leader (in no small part to Abbot’s brave plan to save real Australians from those awful boat people, who for some reason persist in illegally entering Australia in massive numbers every three years, just before federal elections).

A small yet dangerous cross-section of educated, free-thinking people determined to destroy the nation from within have repeatedly drawn attention to the fact that Abbott himself was a boat person. During the carefree, golden years of the White Australia Policy, Abbott arrived with his family as a ten pound pom on the SS Oronsay in 1960 in search of a better life. The young, white Abbott fulfilled all legal requirements for immigration to Australia and has gallantly spent his life since then ensuring everyone else follows the rules too. The most recent amendments to these rules involve deliberate and direct violations of international maritime law and Articles 31, 32 and 33 of the UN Refugee Convention (1951), but that’s fine because they are keeping all the real Australians safe.

Basically, from what I can gather, the argument goes like this. Seeking asylum is not illegal but people smuggling is. Obviously, as all boats carrying people without valid immigration papers are operated by people smugglers, the people on those boats are involved in organised crime and therefore will not be permitted to enter Australia under any circumstances. Of course, law abiding people are still welcome to apply for asylum in Australia, so the new government initiative works well for everyone, and, as everyone knows, decent law abiding asylum seekers can afford to fly.

On the subject of smugglers and international organised crime, the same loosely organised band of renegade lunatic fringe groups has raised questions about the Prime Minister’s involvement in animal smuggling, and the complicity of the media in its non-reporting of the issue.

Animal rights advocates have expressed great concern over the Prime Minister’s long term involvement with an organised crime syndicate involved in the lucrative animal smuggling trade. Abbot brazenly spends many weekends in open view, transporting the native Australian parakeet, Melopsittacus undulatus (referred colloquially to as a ‘budgie’), into international waters, presumably to be met by other smugglers in waiting boats.

This irony, and many others are of course completely lost on Mr Abbott due to his medical condition. Doctors at Sydney’s Royal North Shore hospital declared in a brief statement this morning that they are confident Mr Abbott can overcome his irony deficiency, but stressed that it may be a slow process. In the meantime, nothing that happens in Australian politics is expected to make any fucking sense at all.