Dubai, in the United Arab Emirates, with its bewildering facade of super-charged ostentation appears on the surface to be quite at ease (if not downright thrilled) with its reputation for offering more extravagance and less substance than any other city on Earth. Naturally it boasts the world’s biggest shopping mall and the only (self-awarded) 7-star hotel. Assuming that you’re a multi-billionaire (like me and everyone I know), you can do pretty much whatever the hell you like! Obviously however, no self-respecting, massively insecure city would be complete without an enormous man-made phallus to demonstrate its power and dominance over lesser, nearby cities. It goes without saying therefore that Dubai, with its globally envied monument to stupendous overkill, the $1.45b Burj Khalifa, is the biggest dick of them all.
Nothing lasts forever though… not even one that big, as many women have warned all along. In fact, anecdotal evidence suggests the increasingly-educated female half of the species frequently prefer a more pleasing girth to
length height ratio on such erections (especially considering that the Burj Khalifa does appear uncomfortably pointy and sharp at the business end). Women however are for some reason curiously under-represented in the industries responsible for these things, and the international quest to have the longest highest one continues unabated. It’s no great secret then that the city of Jeddah in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, that universally revered bastion of freedom and equality, is poised to outdo Dubai by impressing the hell out of humanity with the most enormous cock ever. To stand once completed at over one kilometer tall, Jeddah’s Kingdom Tower will bear similarities to the Burj Khalifa in that it will be thick at the base but quite sharp at the tip (but taller). The women are rumoured not to have been consulted on this one either… and they probably won’t be allowed anywhere near it.
Dubai needn’t worry prematurely though, because the new Saudi tower isn’t scheduled for completion until around 2020. In further encouraging news for Emiratis, the Arab News reported this week that the average lifespan of a Saudi building is only 25-50 years, due to “…poor design and implementation, absence of regular maintenance work, and low level of building materials and usage”. This does not appear to have dissuaded the people behind the Kingdom Tower development, who well understand that the biggest erection of all time is worth at least a few billion dollars, even if it doesn’t last very long.