Today’s News

This morning, a beautiful young blonde woman, two presentable middle-aged men and one crusty old bastard screamed over each other on television for eight minutes. Nobody knows what was said during the interview, which, including commercials, was simulcast globally for over three hours. Following calls for clarification, a spokesperson from Washington think tank Working Toward Freedom (WTF) richsplained loudly to some less attractive internet fringe journalists that this is life now, the DOW is way up, and why are they communists who hate freedom?

In other news, Darnell, 22 (last name withheld), has been shot and killed by 37 police officers. In an unfortunate mix-up, authorities had mistaken the address of the meth lab next door. White neighbour, Pastor Frank Goodness, explained briefly to police that there was no meth lab, and all the police went away.

According to family members, Darnell was a quiet young man. Cursed with a rare form of autism, he had been kept in isolation from the outside world, because, well… you know. Investigators can now confirm that Steve, a kindly drunken uncle recently gave Darnell the wifi password in an attempt to quell his night terrors. Last Thursday, Darnell first emerged online to reveal that he loved kittens. It can now be confirmed he also spoke 13 languages and understood string theory. Darnell’s final correspondence was a transcript of the morning’s news scream, and a final message… “wtf was that?!”. WTF has not responded for comment at this time.

Word of Darnell’s untimely vaporization quickly reached the White House, where the President himself made comment from a golf cart in Florida. The President’s message was intransigent and largely about himself, report linguists, though they’re not really sure. At press time, Darnell remains dead.

In breaking news, random trolls and social media influencers are tweeting their thoughts, which are the most important of thoughts, and having been quoted, screenshots of their tweets are shown as proof.

And that’s news now. More to come.


America hates Iran. Saudi Arabia and UAE (America’s friends who used two planes to somehow knock down three American buildings, killing thousands) also hate Iran. Qatar doesn’t mind Iran. The Saudis and Emiratis (America’s friends) hate Qatar, so… America sold $12 billion dollars worth of fighter jets to Qatar… and everyone is still bombing the shit out of not too concerned about Yemen.

Stay tuned for the upcoming US invasion of Iran, because, you know… freedom.

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